What Mama and I have realised in this one year is that we babies are much smarter than you all think. Maybe even more than the adults at times.
I’m Z. And I can be very manipulative. I twist Mama and Dada around my little finger. And I have covert operations that ensure this. But I’m willing to share these with you. As long as I can kill you after.
So, as a baby, I can tell you confidently we are all secretly making fun of you adults. We have a few cries for every situation that ensures we get our way. I must admit not all are foolproof but most of them are brilliant. Read on to find out more.
This delicate act of defiance usually says, “I’m not hurt enough to cry, but I’m telling you I’m upset.” It’s an ‘awww-inducing’ move and works wonders most times. As Mama and Dada’s hearts break, you will definitely get your way.
How to perfect The Pout:
Drop your lower lip as low as you can and turn on puppy eye mode.
This next stage of defiance is usually on the quieter side and thus, not very effective. It consists of a range of tones and is usually met with ignorance. Even sad eyes don’t help this one!
How to perfect The Whimper
Start with a low groan and move on to a high-pitched whine. It’s some effort but hey, you win some, you lose some, right?
This move is particularly common for those of us babies with cats. But it would be wrong to blame the cat as it is usually more well behaved than us. This move must be used when you don’t care much but need to show some kind of objection. Doesn’t work most times.
How to perfect The Hiss:
Pretend to be an angry cat.
This is where we get to the more interesting ones. The ones that require a fair amount of performance and drama. Did you think it was easy being a baby?
The Scream is the first cry that involves aggression. It is used in a number of situations – when you want to do something independently but Mama picks you up instead, when someone takes the toy you want, when someone else is sitting on the swing you want to etc. It also helps marking your territory – easier than peeing right? This move hardly ever works and is met with a death stare from Mama most times.
How to perfect The Scream:
Feel the pit of your tummy. Focus on it. Ensure the long, piercing cry comes from within. It’s a lot of effort for a move that doesn’t work, but hey, it strengthens your lungs too. Or so I’ve heard.
This combination of angry and hungry works wonders every time. It is usually one of the most customisable cries – you can pretty much do what you want and has everyone around scuttling around to get you some food. This is my favourite move, for sure!
How to perfect The Hangry:
It HAS to be a surprise attack. Anything premeditated will be realised and shot down by the adults. While playing with your toys, start screaming/shouting/whimpering all of a sudden! Patting your tummy or touching your mouth at this stage helps too.
The Plea for Help
This move is used in extreme situations when one needs assistance from the adults – when a stranger picks you up (and you feel like you are being kidnapped), or when your legs get entangled in ribbon. It’s usually a high-pitched screech that intensifies until appropriate help is received.
How to perfect The Plea for Help:
Look helpless. Channel the inner baby in you. And let the emotions fly. Tears and drool (maybe mucus too) are an added advantage.
According to the adults, this is the most entertaining move. However, for babies, it really drains us. The Pretend is the most used and abused cry and obviously never works. I try it a few times a day, especially when I need to make my presence felt. It usually elicits laughter or nonchalance. Very frustrating.
How to perfect The Pretend:
I can’t tell you how to pretend. Easily customisable according to the situation.
The Big One
Guys, let’s get serious now. This is the mother of all cries. The Big One. This move is usually used when you fall or hurt yourself. It can also be used when Mama or Dada leave the room and you feel they may never come back (though they always do, magic!). Works like a charm every single time and usually ends with lots of hugs and kisses.
How to perfect The Big One:
I’m perfect. I can’t teach you perfection. You must find your own path.
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading all my trade secrets. There is a baby ninja outside your window right now waiting to assassinate you.
Z and Mama